Do you know me, like 'really' know me? Do you understand how hard it is to keep all this anger, resentment and bitterness contained? I've always considered your opinion greater than mine, your feelings more important, your choices for me the right ones. But now, now I realise that no, I'm just a plaything for you, I must be, for you to disregard my opinions, my feelings and my 'own' choices the way you do. Sure, I may not be the most responsible, the cleanest (in terms of keeping my room non-messy), the most mature, the most academically adept, the most controlled, the most driven or motivated, the most mindful or good at anything really, but does it mean that I'm useless, does it mean that I'm thoughtless, that I don't think about my future, about all the mistakes in my life, that I don't try at what I do.

No it fucking doesn't.

It just makes you 'believe' that I'm useless; in your eyes anyway.

You made me believe it too, with your self assured attitude, not many people 'would' believe you wrong. Oh, sure, I know you love me, but it's more like a possessive sort of love, "I love you, so I'm doing this for your own good, now sit back and do as I say." Well it 'isn't' for my own good if I feel this way is it?

I mean I'm a lot like you, though you don't realise it, I've hurt people to get what I wanted, I've intimidated people with my anger, am vengful when I'm not shown the proper respect, I have conviction in my words even though I may be horribly wrong, and lead people to believe that I'm unstoppable.

Better that I really am.

You never realised that I look up to you; always have.

But you contiually push me, pull me to the edge to a place where all I feel is confusion, fear, vulnerability and passivity. Do you want a daughter or a mindless robot? Honestly.
I'm not one of your lackeys, I'm your fucking daughter. Step off. If you truly loved me, you'd be helping me 'better' myself, not bloody confuse me further. God, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm honestly sick to the bone of my family, I may be a family orientated person, but there are limits.

You think that I'm hppy go lucky all the time, that I have no reason to blow up?

Wrong.

Right now, my heart can't stop pounding in my chest, it hurts, trying to figure this all out. I'm not somene who just up and leaves, but I just, need some time to think, away from the 'do this, do that', the fact that no matter 'what' I do I'm wrong, I mean they'd treat me with more respect in a 'kindergarten'!

You say I don't care about anyone else but myself, huh? Well I 'know' that isn't true, I've tried it before and it backfires every single time, no, what you mean is that I need to keep my mouth shut and do as you all say. Sure, I can be 'really' inconsiderate, but when all you're thinking about is,

"What am I supposed to do, should I do as they say or do what I want and feel is right, mother said that friends do nothing for you, yet I really like having people around, I 'like' doing things for them, but she also said that I'll never actually find true friends who'll do the same for me till much later in life. Damn, she knows more than I do so, what do I do? The freinds that I have now are really good to me, but mum says all they do is distract me and I'm the one doing all the work, maybe I shouldn't hang around them anymore, I'm sure that I'll find better freinds..."

Second guessing yourself, can mean that you lose the things and people that mean a lot to you. I'm not so stupid or dense that I don't realise these sort of things. I know how my subconscious works and I know how my mind works in general, mostly anyway. You live your life, when you start doing things 'yourself' without anyone by your ear to influence your actions or decisions, you live your life when you don't know what's going to come next, but it doesn't really matter because you push on anyway. I know this. And I get the feeling that once I'm out on my ass and completely worried that I'll stuff up and not pay rent on time.

That's when I'll figure it out.

I know I'm a ditz, a big one at that, but when does 'anyone' know when the right time is, whether they're going the right way, if they're ready to make that big step, if their family will support them or not, if they can actually make it out there on their own, if they won't stuff up.

*sigh*

I certainly don't.

I'm sick and tired of fearing if mum and my family will still love me if I go, because if they don't, they never 'really' loved me did they? And although that would devestate me, it would make me so relieved that I'd left in the first place.

So, I guess with or without their support, I need to leave, because I hate all the arguements, hate the fact that I'm being controlled, hate the fact that my own fucking family doesn't seem to believe in me, I hate feeling all this unrest and most of all I hate the fact that I'm not living my life.

And hopefully, we'll both realise, what we've lost once it's gone.

I'm so scared, but I need to be strong and prove to myself that I can do it, that I can get out there regardless of whether mum disowns me, whatever problems may come my way and regardless of how lost I know I'll feel.

Because I'll have to do it eventually anyway, what better time than now.

No more excuses.